It’s All In

This is the final part of the blog series focusing on moving towards meaningful connections. If you missed the first few, please catch up here:

It’s All in the Name
It’s All About Them
It’s All in the Senses

Sometimes, the reality of meeting new people is the shared common desire for connection. It will take time to develop a deep, enduring relationship, but as it has been famously said, “start with the end in mind.” As such, the way we approach a relationship with a new person is often predicated on the mindset we carry when we connect – is this a once off experience, and therefore we treat it accordingly, or do we enter into conversation with what could be, without limiting the extent of where the relationship might go or how it might develop?

For me it’s all in. I don’t try and limit where a relationship might go. The Living Bible translation captures 1 Corinthians 13:7 as, “love always expects the best of people.” When interacting, I’m generous with trust, believing the best of that person as a reflection of my belief in the best of humanity. Allowing people to disclose who they are and who they are becoming creates a great platform from which the relationship can develop.

Here are a few ways I do that. You might find them helpful too.

Percentages

Some people are naturally arithmetically gifted, others break into hives thinking about their Grade 5 math experience. I am more of the former.

So for me, when I meet someone I ask a few questions (I’ll talk about that next). I’m looking for, in the person’s answers, something, somewhere, someone where we cross over – where a common bond exists. (Like those Venn diagrams you learnt in Grade 5. Quiet shudder for some of you.) And once I’ve found that 1% of common experience, I spend 99% of my time bouncing around this as a conversation topic.

It could be coffee, holidays, reading, shooting, movies, exercise, sporting interests – whatever. It doesn’t matter, as the goal is to allow the person you’re meeting to feel comfortable in sharing around a topic in which you can confidently engage.

Building confidence and trust flows from this position of strength, where out of the commonness of our lives a unique bond can be formed.

Questions

Nothing beats a good question. It has been said that Jesus spent a fair bit of time asking questions – there is evidence of at least 300 questions.

Good questions bring self reflection, revelation and as a result, self discovery. Good questions solicit a response, allowing a person to share openly. Interactive questions (ones that follow on from previous responses) convey you’re listening with an authentic desire to learn more about that person. 

Questions can encourage a person to share more about themselves, particularly open ended questions. The conversation can go a variety of directions, and often empowers the person answering the question to determine the depth of sharing and the way forward for the relationship.

Listening

Whilst good questions are really important, of equal importance is good listening. If you have a question without being genuinely interested in the response, don’t ask the question in the first place.

Sometimes in our family we find a whole bunch of questions being asked about a variety of topics often at the same time, particularly at the meal table. Answers are flying, resulting in multiple conversations happening at once. Another consequence of this reality is answers are often missed. The person answering literally feels unheard and sometimes unappreciated.

Seek to understand the person you’re meeting by offering verbal and non verbal prompts, conveying that you are engaged in what that person is sharing. Asking consequential questions sends a similar message, and allows the relationship to go even deeper. It is amazing what people will reveal when they know they are being genuinely heard and, implicitly, being cared for.

Like I said in my earlier blog, I’m not suggesting that you need to apply all of these techniques on the next person you meet for the first time. (And potentially make them feel the subject of a conversation list.) However, I would suggest that you identify which one or few you would find easiest to implement and incorporate into your next interaction with a person you haven’t met before.

After the exchange, reflect on what worked, what didn’t, what you could have done differently, and perhaps what you could do next time. This will enable you to integrate a new way forward when you next meet another person.

Please feel free to share other ideas in developing relationships. Here’s to enjoying more meaningful connections. And of course, I hope you enjoy more meaningful connections!