It’s All in the Name

Have you ever felt nervous about entering into an unfamiliar environment where you are fairly certain you will need to meet new people? Or connect with people you “know” or have “met” previously, but you have no idea who they are, what they look like or their name?

Perhaps it’s at a family event where you haven’t seen your uncle for a number of years. Or maybe at a social gathering of friends (and their hanger-on-ers) who you met at the last party and your memory is failing (for one reason or another). Or possibly it’s a work function where networking and relationship building is important.

Ideas that bounce around in your head could be… What will I say? What happens if the conversation dies – or even worse, doesn’t start? And at the same time, I don’t want to spend most of the time by myself.

A relational conundrum for sure!

In truth, I’m actually nothing like that.

I’m like Dug from the movie, “Up.” And in case you’re wondering, Dug is the main dog. He says something like (when meeting Carl and Russell), “My name is Dug. I have just met you and I love you.”

When I meet new people it is not uncommon, within a short space of time, to interact like friends of old, laughing and often sharing around some quite personal matters.

I’d like to pretend to think it is my charm! But I realise that we are created for connections where we feel accepted, safe and able to be real without the fear of judgement. 

We all can be intentional in creating what Google has termed Psychological Safety. Psychological Safety is being able to show and employ oneself without fear of negative consequences of self-image, status or career. It can be defined as a shared belief that the team is safe for interpersonal risk taking. In psychologically safe teams, team members feel accepted and respected. (Whilst it is specifically referencing relationships in the context of teams, I think the idea has broader application.)

We can create conversation environments where people experience psychological safety. Or perhaps more personally, I can create these environments – as you can too!

In this and the next few blogs, I’ll share a few tips I’ve learned to connect with people – whether I am attending a networking event, a party, a church service, going out for dinner or simply going to the shops to buy groceries (yes this latter exercise takes longer than most due to my connections!).

Name 

Remembering and using someone’s name sends a significant message to the person you have just met for a few reasons.

It messages they are important.
It messages they matter.
It messages the possibility of an ongoing relationship.
It messages they are unique.

Using their name to introduce them to others also conveys awareness and connectedness. And recalling their name when you see her or him on a subsequent occasion is an extremely powerful message, made even more powerful if you can recall elements of the previous conversation.  

Here’s a few sneaky hacks I use:

Repeat

Say their name immediately back to ensure you have heard correctly and can pronounce their name correctly. This is definitely important if the name of the person you are meeting is in a language with which you are not conversant.

My name is relatively uncomplicated to pronounce, but there are times after an introduction when my name is not pronounced correctly. (You might have heard recently the story of a paediatric nurse who was calling for a patient named Liam. After no response, a parent stood up and said, “Oh do you mean Yum?  Liam is short for William, so is pronounced 'Yum'.”)

Repeat Again

Say their name as soon as appropriate in the conversation with them. It could be, “You think you know a good coffee shop, but let me tell you about an incredible coffee shop. It’ll be life altering Mustafa. You’ll want to tell your wife straight away. And if you don’t have a wife, you’ll want to get married straight away so you have a wife to tell about the heaven on earth coffee you have enjoyed.”

Memory Association

Identify a physical feature or part of their story as a memory hook for their name. For example, “Anna from Adelaide,” or “Teacher Tim,” or “Long neck Lucy.” Repeat the association in your head a few times whilst still chatting with them. (And I’m not talking about the complicated mnemonic device deployed by Michael from “The Office”!)

And be sure NOT to articulate this association when chatting with them next. For example, do not say, “Hey Long neck Lucy, how did you go this week starting your new job?”

Introduce

Use their name to introduce them to another person. Again, the implicit message of connection is significant. And as you’ll read in a blog or two later, this helps with reducing the pressure in steering the ebb and flow of conversation. 

Capture

After your connection whip out your phone to write down the date, event, their name and some basic details about the interaction. This is helpful to access later if necessary, and it reinforces the reality of that person in your world. (And write also the memory association you chose to adopt.) 

Share

Share with someone within 24 hours about the fact you met Mustafa, Anna, Tim or Lucy. Describe the story of your connection including some details of the person.

This hack takes you back to the conversation you had with them and will trigger memories of them – their characteristics, their smile, demeanour, tone, etc.

Revisit (& Pray)

Revisit your notes a few days later. Picture them as you read the notes you took. If you’re a praying person, you might choose to pray a blessing upon them in that moment.

Remind

Just before you attend an event where that person you met might be, revisit your notes again. Remind yourself again of who they are, their background, etc.

If you have some other great ideas on how to remember people’s names, please send them through. 

And don’t forget, I’ll share some more tips around connecting with new people in blogs during the coming months. Keep your eyes open for what’s next.