It’s All About Them (and a little bit about us)

This is the continuation of a thought I wrote about in my last blog entitled, “It’s All in the Name.” If you haven’t read it yet, I encourage you to take a peek here.

Essentially I’m addressing the challenge that some experience when connecting with people for the first time or when re-connecting after a long time. 

Here’s a few more tips on Moving Towards Meaningful Connections…..

The Golden Rule 

Actor Aaron Eckhart, playing President Benjamin Asher in London Has Fallen, gives some sage advice to a nervous, soon to be Dad, Mike Banning (played by Gerard Butler) around parenting. He says,

“Most important thing, never criticize, always encourage. You just want them to be passionate. That’s what I always tell my son.. Find something you care about, and care deeply. That and the Golden Rule. Treat others as you like to be treated.”

Ancient writings (the Bible actually) talk about the idea of doing to others what you would have them do to you. Or love your neighbour as yourself. When you meet someone for the first time, treat them as you would like to be treated. Or perhaps more importantly, treat them as you would like the relationship to be when fully realised. 

The reality is that at a neurological level we have a whole bunch of mirror neurones firing when we connect with people. That is why it is not uncommon for people connecting (especially two people) to mirror gestures. This mirroring extends beyond mere gesticulations.

We are all, in some way or another, seeking a deeper connection. So when we meet someone for the first time, we can create an environment that we ourselves are actually implicitly seeking and yearning after.

I often adopt an attitude when I meet someone that we are best friends… they just don’t know it yet. (A bit like Dug – see my previous blog.) I joke with them. I usually, after a few minutes, “pay out” on them (after all, isn’t that what Aussie mateship is all about). I treat the person I have newly meet as I treat my other friends.

Who knows where the relationship will go. But one thing for sure, you showed them a bit of love as you treated them as you’d like to be treated. 

Reciprocity

The idea above of treating others as we would like to be treated informs a strategy which I have termed reciprocity. (Probably not an everyday word, so if you need to google it now, go right ahead.) It is relatively uncomplicated but can be quite powerful.

Just as a person shares something about themselves, either voluntarily or in response to a question you may have asked (I’ll talk more about this later), it is equally important you share something that reflects what they have shared. It conveys trust in the person you’re meeting, and that you consider them an appropriate person with whom to share. 

It’s the nature of how we interact with those we know well. In a group conversation, someone shares, then someone else will riff off that comment, by extending the thought or idea or perhaps contend with the idea being shared. New ideas that are connected with the initial idea continue to be shared, and as things develop, we experience this beautiful thing called community.

Barometer 

If you have a desire for disclosiveness in your conversation with the person you have met, you have to lead the way. The extent to which you are transparent in your conversations and feelings will determine the extent to which the person you are chatting with will be vulnerable and disclose matters of the heart with you.

If it is a merely incidental, passing conversation, then a superficial exchange might be exactly the right type of conversation. Being sensitive to what’s happening with the person you’re meeting will guide you as you discern how disclosive you should be when you share. 

Powell (1969) suggests there are five levels of communication that we can progress through: Cliché conversation; Facts about the other; Ideas and judgements; Feelings (gut responses); and finally Peak communication (where meaningful exchange happens with little or no words being shared). 

Knowing where you are and where the conversation might be going is crucial as you decide how much of your life you will share – how vulnerable you will be. Without a doubt if you convey to the person you’re meeting that you trust them by sharing personal information, that will set the trend for the conversation ongoingly.

If you have some other great ideas on The Golden Rule, Reciprocity or Barometer, please send them through.

And don’t forget, I’ll share some more tips around connecting with new people in blogs during the coming months. Keep your eyes open for what’s next.