Can Trust Lead to Trustworthy Behaviour?

In a conversation with one of my sons he revealed that young adults want parents to show that they trust them. To acknowledge that they will get some things right and to trust that when they get things wrong that they will learn for next time. 

So a little like, “Which came first, the chicken or the egg?” Does trustworthy behaviour come first before we can trust our child, or do we trust and then trustworthy behaviour follows? Now that’s a question! And no doubt there are many answers, all of which are valid depending on circumstance and opinion.

An important thing to remember when considering how we trust others is how we ourselves feel about being trusted. Do you feel more empowered to live out good life choices when you are in control of the decision or when you feel your decision is being controlled? I know for me, I definitely prefer to make the choice myself, especially when believed in to make the right one.

Your child is the same. He or she wants to feel that freedom of choice knowing belief exists to make a good one. The bonus of this response is that with great power comes great responsibility, so whether your child makes the right decision (as defined by you – which may not necessary be the right decision) the consequence is your child’s to bear.

So what are the likely scenarios if we trust our child? Either their choice works out and we all go on to live another day, possibly even forgetting why we got so worked up in the first place. Our child feels empowered (and probably pretty happy with herself or himself) and we smile taking that as a win in the trust journey. Or the choice does not work out and a consequence comes knocking on our family’s door.

Now I know you are thinking that doesn’t sound ideal. If a poor decision is made, there will be a cost to your child. A cost that will possibly hurt not only your child but will likely impact you too. And I know you are also thinking that if the poor choice was not made in the first place then neither your child or you would be disadvantaged. Oh yes that may be true too but what lesson is really learnt without a test. If something doesn’t really impact us we don’t tend to learn as deeply. Therefore there can be an upside (eventually), if your child is open to learning from consequences.

There are many joys of “adulting”. Your young adult child has the freedom to do the things they want, when they want, in the way they want. Of course there are also challenges. I’d be surprised if you haven’t heard your son or daughter occasionally mention that adulting is hard! One of those challenges (or stretches) is walking forward carrying the consequences of their choices.

As a parent it may seem natural to take the load off your child, to take the problem and go into intense solution mode on their behalf. Your motivation is likely to see them smile again and also to reorient them on their path to success. I’d like to suggest, that as hard as it is, we allow them to keep carriage of the outcome from their choices.

I’ll leave it there for now to allow some pondering and pick this up again in a future blog.

Time to reflect:

Do you think that trust can lead to trustworthy behaviour?

What needs to change in you so that your child feels more empowered (and trusted)?

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