Can You Handle the Truth?

As a parent I think most of us dare to wish that our child was honest with us all of the time. I’m pretty sure that you (like me) have been told a few mis-truths over the years and have experienced frustration, especially when it is clear that you are hearing a lie. Like the time your young child swore she did not eat the chocolate cake despite evidence of it all over her face. Or the time you noticed the large hole in the wall and apparently your son knows nothing about it! As life gets a little more complex with an adult child, I’m caused to gently ask the following question. “Can I handle the truth?” And when I say that I mean, “Can I handle to hear the truth and can I handle to respond to that truth?” 

In recent years there have been a few instances with our boys (I know they are technically men, however to me they will always be the boys!) where hearing the truth has been really hard. Upon reflection of these times there are some principles I'd love to share in the hope they might equip you (and me) better for the next honest declaration.

Create the environment

Listening Training

I’m pretty sure there are things that your child does and says that you either have no idea about or are not really that interested in. I’ve lost count of the number of times that Noah has recalled touch football plays to me knowing I had no idea what he was talking about. Noah is not the only one. Both Zach and Jonah have discussed many sporting (and non-sporting) things with me and at times I’m at a loss to understand anything they are saying. And confession time… sometimes I’m not really that interested! BUT I have remained in the conversation, not for my sake, but for their sake and for the hope of future times of sharing.

Monica Swanson, in ‘Boy Mom, What Your Son Needs Most From You’, shares “Truth is shared after many times of listening to things you aren’t interested in or would rather not know.” If you shut off conversations that you deem to be trivial or lack interest, you will miss the conversations that matter. 

Watching Training

We will not always know what is going on within the mind of our child but in some cases we can have a pretty good idea when we are willing to watch them. I’m not saying we should stalk them. I’m simply suggesting we observe them to see who they are connecting with, how they are reacting within those relationships, how their mood changes over the day and week, when they are energised, when they seem despondent, etc. By watching our child we can better pick the right times to engage and when best to pause.

Speaking Training

Just because your child is an adult doesn’t mean that you can’t ask them questions. At times you might get a grunt or eye roll but at others you will find out things about how they are going, who they are spending time with and where they are spending that time. And if you don’t get a response the first time, persevere. Enabling your child to speak by asking questions could unlock significant conversations. Perhaps not immediately but in the long run.

Posture your response

Our response to receiving truth from our child could make or break that moment (and possibly future opportunities of sharing). It might take some advanced planning and self control on our part but oh it is worth it in order to maximise the sharing and our relationship.

Responding to GOOD truth

It’s important to remember that some truth telling is actually good news and that our position in receiving it is significant.

a.   Celebrating the news is crucial. Why not go one step further and celebrate your child in the way that they best receive love. If they like to be hugged then hug them. If they like ice-cream buy them ice-cream! Be careful that you don’t celebrate them based on the way you like to be celebrated.

b.    Listen to the whole story. It might be tempting to jump up and envelope your child as they share their good truth story, however pausing and asking questions will allow your child to share more of their good news.

c.    Remember whose story it is to tell. As parents, often we are keen to share the achievements of our child to the world. Out of respect for our child sometimes it’s better to allow them (and at times encourage them) to share their story. Of course when the time is right we should absolutely share our excitement about the news.

d.    What about when your child feels it’s good news and you deem it not? Well that’s an interesting question and of course the answer can take many twists and turns depending on the situation. Celebrating and listening are still key. As parents our posture in receiving truth is significant so perhaps pausing a little longer before responding is needed. A premature response cannot be taken back and speaking out what you are feeling doesn’t have to be done the moment you hear the news. If your child is excited, it would be a shame to miss that opportunity to celebrate because you deem the news less than ideal.

Responding to NOT SO GOOD truth

Now to the harder one. There are many ways we can position ourselves when hearing bad news. Anger, judgement, grace, sadness and hope are only a few of them. How we position our response when hearing “bad” truth from our children is critical to what happens next for them and for our relationship with them.

a.    Be grateful for the sharing. It may be hard to hear the truth but I propose it may be even harder for your child to tell it to you. So respect that vulnerability and be grateful for the disclosure. A default of gratitude could fuel a more adequate response rather than one that centres more on how you feel.

b.    Listen to the whole story. It might be tempting to hug your child and cry or, on the other hand, start to yell and rant. Just like when hearing good news stories, it is important to pause and ask questions to allow your child to share more of their news and how they feel.

c.    Help when requested. If you are anything like me, it might be natural to want to fix the problem that has arisen. Helping your child navigate next steps could be exactly what is needed, however sometimes withdrawing (not in support) but in action is better. Allowing your child to work through the mess in order to find a solution could result in a better outcome than you jumping in and rescuing. Of course there is a lot of grey with this so discernment around how much to engage will help determine the depth of assistance needed. (Sometimes in extreme circumstances intervention is required.)

d.    What about when your child’s “not so good” news is actually good news to you? Like when a relationship ends that you didn’t feel was right or when your child gets a speeding fine and you feel that could be helpful in changing dangerous behaviour. The principles from above of being grateful for the sharing and listening are still important. And just like when the opposite is in play (when you deem it “not so good” news when your child deems it good), a premature response cannot be taken back and speaking out what you are feeling doesn’t have to be done the moment you hear the news. If your child is sad, it would be a shame to miss the opportunity to comfort and help.

Finally I leave with you a few phrases to have on hand when the occasions arise. Preparing in advance for times of truth sharing (the good and the not so good) is a good investment.

Thank you for trusting me by sharing the trust about this.

Knowing this news does not change my love for you.

How can we celebrate this amazing news today?

I will need a little bit of time to process what you’ve shared just now. Can we chat again tomorrow?

Do you know what options there are for your next step?

How can I help you?

Do you want me to check in with you to see how you are tracking tomorrow or in a few days?

(And in case you are wondering, saying “I told you so,” is never received well by someone who is sharing bad news.)

Time to reflect:

Which area of training is your growth opportunity? – Listening, Watching, Speaking

What arrested your attention around posturing your response? What steps can you take to prepare yourself for the next time of good and not so good truth sharing?

If you’ve got questions or some tips on parenting adults I’d love to hear from you. Please reach out to me. You can also sign up below to receive updates when new content is posted on our site.