“Sir…my family is on that train!” (Part 2)

In my previous blog I shared part of the story of being stranded in Brussels when the rest of the family were safely on a train heading to Amsterdam. If you missed it you might like to read it before jumping back in here. In today’s blog I’ll share a little more of the story and again highlight some principles to help with parenting an adult child.

So I shared previously that I pretty much lost the plot upon realising I was left behind on the platform. I’m so grateful for that train conductor because he gracefully directed me downstairs into the station and handed me over to a helpful ticketing person. As I think back on that day I was a major problem to manage. It pains me to acknowledge it but I was an absolute mess. (Side note – don’t call me in an emergency!)

Unchartered Waters

I’ve shared before that on the scale of risk, I sit at the far end where one feels safe. I tend to stay in the comfortable zone and prefer not to venture into unchartered waters. I’m the kind of girl who likes to know what she’s in for before she starts the journey. I like to know what’s coming next and spend deliberate time planning for it before I take my next step. So for me this day was anything but that – anything but my preferred state.

Whether we like it or not, parenting an adult child comes with many experiences of unchartered waters. There are many times when our child is on “the train” and we remain on the platform. Sometimes the train ride is marked with adventure and at other times, reservation and uncertainty. As much as we’d like to, we are no longer driving the train and often not sitting in the carriage.

As I write this blog I am about to face unchartered waters as Jonah, our youngest is moving to Sydney (interstate) to follow his rugby league dream. I have walked through one child leaving home, however Zachariah lives five minutes up the road so seeing him is easy and fortunately regular. Am I excited for Jonah? Yes. Am I ready? Not really. But my trampoline analogy of release and return coupled with durability helps me to ready myself for what comes next. I desire that my children reach greater heights than me and destinations that are the right fit for them so I need to release them. I do this knowing they will return, not back into the old state but with the new rhythm we are establishing.

Look in your Bag

Back in the Brussels train station, now having a plan to embark on the next train to Amsterdam, I still had a problem. I knew where I was and what had happened to me, however my family had no idea. The boys tell the story of Liam pacing the carriages of the train trying to find me. Knowing Liam’s intense personality I can only imagine what that looked like! I needed to find a way to communicate with them but how could I do that without internet (to send a message) and without an international sim card?

Knowing my state of mind, it is a miracle that I remembered I had Liam’s Australian sim card in my bag. Fortunately his sim card (unlike mine) could make international calls. So with trembling fingers I managed to replace the sim in my phone and successfully messaged Liam (on his international sim). 

There are two things I want to highlight from this experience:

1.     What is in your bag that you may have forgotten about? As our child takes on his or her own adventure, there are things we’ve put away that can now be re-found (or re-claimed) from within our “bag”. I’ve re-found singing, accounting, confidence, personal purpose (vs everyone else’s purpose). And I’ve found writing, something I guess was in my bag but I hadn’t taken it out before.

There comes a time when we carry less daily responsibility for our child. Our life extends beyond our parenting young children. We have a great opportunity before us to take our own next steps towards our dream. Perhaps you’ve lost your dream or perhaps you’ve never really had one. While your adult child steps out why not do the same by reclaiming what you’ve put away or search for new and exciting gems of your own.

2.     When left on the platform, how will you communicate with your child? In my case, I won’t be able to simply share with Jonah at the dinner table or as he runs in or out of the door. Our communication will be different. As his mum I intend to continue to parent him so hearing how he is going, what is happening with his footy and where he is now aiming with his dream is equally as important as me sharing with him encouragement, caution and advice. I’ll need to find a new way to communicate that is effective (when I haven’t jumped on a plane to visit in person!). 

Communication is not easy. And that is probably because effective communication includes at least two people. I could have given up on the platform costing my family an extended time of grief not knowing if I was ok. Don’t give up trying to communicate with your adult child. If one way doesn’t seem to work, try another. Even if it feels one sided, keep going. And when I say keep going, I mean keep speaking, keep watching and keep listening.

For those who are keen to hear the end of the story, it ended happily ever, after being reunited with my family in an Amsterdam pub arriving just after full time of the State of Origin game. I hope we get to watch Jonah play in an Origin game one day, but without as much drama as that time in Brussels.

Time to reflect:

What unchartered waters are you in right now? How are you aiming for release and return in that new place?

What is in your “bag” that you may have forgotten about?

How can you better communicate with your child?

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