“Sir…my family is on that train!” (Part 1)
In your lifetime there are a few significant events that are hard to forget. Sometimes recalling these events brings great memories of elation and victory. At other times, feelings of loss and sadness. I want to share one of my memorable events with you and use my story as a catalyst for consideration when parenting adults.
It began like this…
In 2019 our family embarked on an overseas holiday that saw us traveling around a number of European countries. We drove in cars, flew in planes, rode bikes and walked a lot. However the mode of transport that features in this story is a train that travelled from Brussels to Amsterdam.
We were enjoying a fabulous holiday, having seen many amazing things, and today was to include a bonus because the boys had found a pub in Amsterdam that was telecasting the State of Origin. So onto Amsterdam we go with intention! After an easy, but long walk from our accommodation we arrived at the Brussels train station. The conductor motioned to Liam and the boys to take the bags onto one carriage and I was told to wait to board the adjacent carriage, where our seats were located. I assumed after dropping the bags, the boys would return to me and then we would all board our carriage together.
In an instant the train doors closed and the train began to depart from the platform, while I stood next to the conductor. I freaked out! It’s funny how different people react when faced with unexpected circumstances. Clearly I live in the “completely lose control and melt like a crazy person” camp. For reasons that I still don’t really understand all I could manage to do was say (in a very frantic way) “Sir, Sir, Sir…my family is on that train! I need to be on that train!”. I’m pretty sure I said the same phrase about ten times, getting more upset each time I repeated it.
This event has made a lifelong impression on me and as I reflect on various parts of the story I see snippets of teaching all over the place.
Understanding Language
Although we were in Brussels where residents primarily speak French (or Dutch), the train conductor responded to me in English. Prior to the train’s departure I asked him a question in English and he replied in the same language, however clearly there was misunderstanding (most likely on my side) within that dialect. I asked if I was to head into the carriage with the rest of the family and he said no. In hindsight a further question confirming that the others would remain on the train and that I was to board now would have been super helpful! Due to what happened later I can’t remember the exact interchange, however what I assumed was supposed to occur did not and hence I was left stranded.
Have you noticed that your adult child speaks a different form of English to what you speak? Are there words he or she says that you have no clue of their meaning? If you answered yes to these questions, you have a perfect recipe for misunderstanding. Each generation communicates in a new way, and to make it more complicated each generation changes that communication regularly. I’ve lost count of the times one of the boys have either spoken or messaged me a word and I have asked for clarification because I have no idea of the meaning, including whether it’s a good thing or bad. Knowing the language of your child is critical to understanding what they are saying and consequently being able to respond in the best way at the best time.
I will say the following often when I write these blogs… Do not cease to engage! Unlike me on the train platform, ask the next question for clarification and the next if required. From experience I know your adult child will often get frustrated with you when you don’t get it the first time or might complain that you are being too involved. But being able to communicate effectively, to bring greater understanding might just allow you on the train for the next part of their journey.
Passport for the Journey
There were many things that entered my frantic mind after the train departed. One that seemed to be super important at the time was my concern that the rest of my family was heading to a new country and I was holding all of our passports.
Now it is not unreasonable to think that a passport is required to enter another country. So in some ways I can rationalise my irrational concern over this! However in fact, their passports were not needed as they transitioned between European countries. As parents sometimes we can be so certain of what our child needs that we miss the real need entirely. As much as we probably don’t want to admit, at times our child knows more about what they need than we do.
And on top of that, why was I holding all of the passports? When our child becomes an adult there are things that our son or daughter should now hold. Responsibilities that need to be shifted from us to our child. A few things that come to mind include access to bank accounts, location of important documents, payment of bills and many household chores (if still at home). Ok, so here the trust word comes up again! Will they look after it? How will they know how to manage it? Will they use it the right way? At times we really need to chill and trust! Having said that, training in the important (and not so important) things of life should always be part of our parenting mantle.
I have a few more lessons from this story and will pen them in my next blog. I hope that what I’ve shared so far prompts meaningful reflection, and if necessary, appropriate response.
Time to reflect:
What are the words used by your child that you could learn in order to enhance understanding?
Have you asked your child what he or she requires for the next phase of the journey?
What “passports” are you still holding for your child?
Be sure to look out for Part 2 - coming soon. And as always please reach out to ask a question or share an idea around parenting adults. Plus you can sign up below to receive an email when fresh content hits our site.